Not too long after I got into the hardcore scene, I met this str8boy who I thought was really it. He actually came up and initiated our friendship cause he thought I looked cool with my Crass tshirt and mohawk. We went to my place and listened to music and talked a long time about all kinds of stuff. And I was hooked real good on him that night. I thought I'd never seen anybody like him. I thought he had the hottest, deepest, coolest eyes I'd ever looked in. I liked the cool way he shook his head to move his hair and how he could look so unself-conscious and embarrassed sometimes.
He was smart and he saw through all the BS rules. We became good friends and stayed that way for a long time. He even came and lived with me and some roomates when I moved to another city.
He always knew that I thought he was it and he knew that I knew that he knew that. And he knew I was queer (cause I didn't hide it and we even talked about it sometimes) but he told me he was str8, always, even though sometimes I wondered really, especially when he had this thing about wearing makeup and said he would go to bed with one guy who was this rock musician he liked.
But there were a few times when he was maybe a little drunk or just horny when he either said or implied that he would like oral sex. One night, at least, he came right out and asked me...even said please. But I had thought about it some and decided that I didn't really want to do that cause I was afraid that if I ever just did that, either cause he wanted it or I wanted to, then it would somehow change everything and we wouldn't be the same kind of friends anymore. I don't know why I thought that and maybe it's stupid or something, but that's what I thought.
And when I thought about it the first time, I decided that if he would ever kiss me first, then I would do anything he ever wanted. And I wasn't gonna tell him that, like if he hinted around about it, I wasn't gonna say, "ok, but you gotta kiss me first." It just had to happen cause he wanted to kiss me. It was what I wanted more than anything else for the longest time. But it never happened anyway.
See, all bigots and some str8boys who are even pretty cool and smart like him think queerbois just want the sex, that it's all about that. My friend even told me once that he couldn't ever be queer even though he thought some guys were hot cause he thought anal sex was gross. Like if you're queer (gay or bi), that's all there is about it.
Well, it's not.
All I ever wanted was a kiss. It's not about your thing at all.